I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
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