my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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