I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
