Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
