Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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