I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
