I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
