Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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