Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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