i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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