i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
