You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
