I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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