Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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