I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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