good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
