I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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