I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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