Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
