I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
