How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
