I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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