I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
