Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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