i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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