my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
