You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
