Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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