New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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