You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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