im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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