Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
