well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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