Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
