he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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