My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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