If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
