it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
No more Irish car bombs ever.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
