I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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