I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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