Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
