The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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