A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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