9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
