break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
