woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
