haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize