I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
40s are totally the cure
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
