smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
