He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
