he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
