I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
