So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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